Why Couples and Parents & Children Argue — Because Each Only Sees Their Own "Rules"

Have you noticed that in every argument, both sides feel "I am the one who is right"?

That is no accident. The root of arguments is that each person only sees their own "rules".

📏 What are "rules"?

Everyone carries their own set of "rules" — what is right, what is wrong, how things should be done, what counts as "reasonable". These rules are built up over time from your upbringing, your values, and your family of origin.

The problem is: you can only see your own rules. When you feel "it should be done this way", you naturally conclude the other person is "unreasonable". And the other person, seeing only their own rules, concludes you "don't understand".

💥 Two sets of "rules" collide

When both sides insist on their own rules, conflict follows. You say they are "unreasonable"; they say you are "insensitive". In truth, neither of you is wrong — you are simply using two different sets of rules to look at the same thing.

Psychologist John Gottman observed over three thousand couples and found that conflict is not the problem — the pattern of handling conflict is. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling — the "Four Horsemen" — can predict the breakdown of a relationship with roughly 90% accuracy from just a few minutes of conversation.

🤝 The solution: build a "common model / system"

When two people share a common model, a common system — one framework both agree on, to see the relationship and understand each other — arguments stop being "I'm right, you're wrong", and become "let's see the whole system together".

This echoes exactly what we have always said:

• Learning "rules" = each clinging to their own position → conflict
• Learning a "model / system" = building a shared framework, seeing the whole picture → reconciliation

When you and your partner, or you and your child, master a common "model" together, your relationship problems are solved at the root.

This is exactly what our "Relationship Harmony Coaching" service is here to do. 💛